The Lennie of Dating

For the number of guys who complain about clingy and overly affectionate girls, I sure have found a lot of guys in online dating who claim they have to date someone who is affectionate.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with e-harmony, there’s an entire section in the communication process called “makes and breaks.”  And while it’s come to my attention that most people graze over this, I think it’s a gold mine.  It’s a total treasure trove of information.  Basically, it’s about 20 words that sum up all the things it would take you a year to find out about someone you’re actually dating.  It’s all the things you have to have in a relationship (if they aren’t there, you’d break it off) or the things you absolutely won’t tolerate in a relationship.  And it’s all laid out right there! It’s the greatest thing in the world, but apparently people on e-harmony just don’t read this (and I’ve actually had guys tell me they don’t read it).

For ex., these are mine...

For ex., these are mine, in no particular order…

So one of the things you can choose as a “make” — something you have to have in a relationship — is someone who is affectionate. And every single guy I’ve talked to (literally, every. single. one.) has put “affectionate” as one of their makes, meaning they must date a girl who is affectionate.

I make it a point to then ask in the next stage of communication, “what does being affectionate mean to you?” because there’s a lot of different ways to show affection, right?  But every single one has responded with something along the lines of, “oh we’d cuddle and hold hands and kiss and touch.”  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!? Barf.  For as much as TV shows portray guys as trying to get away from clingly, touchy/feely, snuggly, annoying, personal space-invading women…

…there are so many men (all of them, as far as I’ve found) who want to be these snuggly, cuddly, overbearing, “let me hold your hand” guys.  And I feel like there’s such a gender role reversal. I don’t want to be cuddly.  I don’t want to be affectionate.  I can to a certain degree, but it’s just not who I am.  And I don’t think I hide this. In fact, I think I’m pretty forward with telling guys I’m not like that, and they respond with this, “oh, you’ll come around” sort of attitude.  So where are all these guys who don’t want to cuddle, who value their personal space?

And some of the other “makes” on the list are things like “shared interest.”  I have never seen a single guy who lists “shared interests” as something they have to have in a relationship, and they always seem totally repulsed and confused by the fact that this makes my list of “makes.”  I’m sorry, you don’t want to share interests with me?  Relationship over.

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2 thoughts on “The Lennie of Dating

  1. […] said it is “unacceptable” to them to date someone who doesn’t cuddle. I know I posted about this before, but there’s such a stereotype associated with affection that I have found to be […]

  2. […] If you are looking for someone who is very affectionate, I’m probably not for you. I am not a cuddly/PDA person […]

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