The Ultimatum

Let’s begin with a little bit of history.

I signed up for eHarmony in March of 2013.  Within a week, I had met someone who I dated for the next few months.  We broke up in July and about a month later I decided to dive back in to online dating.

And this was when it all went south.

Now, it was so easy the first time, I’m not sure what I was expecting the second go-around.  I talked with a few men here and there, but no one seemed like a very good match for me.  We just didn’t have much in common.  Like, politics. And religion. And favorite character on Friends (duh, it’s Chandler).  You know, the important things in life.

So I decided a few weeks ago to really lay it all out on the line. I was sick of talking to men and ending up in this same, disappointing place.  So I added this to my profile:

eharmony_ultimatum

Uhm… nailed it.

Now, I affixed this pretty blunt (if I do say so myself) ultimatum to my profile on eHarmony, Match, and OK Cupid.  So what happened next? I got a TON of messages all of a sudden.

So I think, “wow, cool.  Honesty works.  These guys want to get to know me for me!”

But c’mon, of course they don’t.

In fact… every guy who messaged me directly after I posted this addendum to my profile wanted EVERYTHING I just said I didn’t have to offer.  Why, guys?  Why?

So what do these men want?  A mild-mannered, conservative gal with traditional, stay-at-home family values, who just wants to cuddle after going to a jaunt in the park together.  Not that there’s anything wrong with this.  But why don’t you scroll up a sec and just take a second gander at what a posted.  Done?  Great, let’s move on.

Exhibit A: Justin.

Isn't he dreamy??

Isn’t he dreamy??

As you can tell from the picture, Justin is a total dreamboat, and he messaged me after I posted the “illiterate men apply here” paragraph to my profile.  I was pretty stoked about the dashing dude and we made it through the eHarmony communication process, which is a feat in itself.  So I sent him my final dig deeper responses and awaited his EH Mail.

Then I got the e-mail that he’d messaged me back.  I frolicked to my eHarmony page and clicked on “Messages” only to find… he blocked me.

Literally.

Now, the funny thing about blocking someone is that… you blocked them. They can’t see your profile, any communication you once had with each other.  They’re just gone, forever.

But the actually funny thing about online dating is that you see the same people over and over again on multiple platforms.  And lo and behold, Justin was on both Match and OK Cupid.  Oh, silly Justin.

Now usually I’m a pretty passive person about letting these things go, but apparently I was having this kind of day:

So I went ahead and messaged Justin.  I kind of feel bad about it.  Except for the fact that I don’t.

messagetojustin

Now, however you feel about the fact that I tracked this poor guy down, I don’t think I’m wrong here. It’s an epidemic of online dating. People just delete someone they’ve been talking with when they lose interest because it’s easy. And that’s mean.  Have the courtesy to tell the person, at least.

Now here’s the amazing part.  The guy MESSAGES ME BACK!! Whattttttt….

justinmessage

Okay, before I get into this I’d like to say that if you’ve ever used a computer (which I’d like to make a leap and speculate that this gentleman has), you should know that pressing “block” means “communication go bye bye.”  Why you would think blocking someone is the same as allowing them to read messages you sent… well, that’s just beyond me. (Addendum: a reader tells me that on Facebook you can apparently still read messages after being blocked. So I’ll concede the fact that this is not always the case, but does seem to consistently occur on online dating sites.)

So let’s Quentin Tarantino this.  Where did it all go wrong?

(A) It all went wrong in the very beginning.  Despite Justin’s hunk status, he fell into the same trap as these other men.  And by “trap,” I mean, “extremely explicit, clear, and thoughtfully laid out description of who I am as a person.”  Meaning, Justin was looking for an athletic, affectionate woman.  And by saying “I am NOT A CUDDLY… PERSON” I clearly meant, “until you came along and made me want to cuddle.”

(B) Justin’s dig deeper questions included (paraphrased) ‘what kind of exercise do you do?’  Uh… none.  I just said that.  As in, not at all.  Unless you count opening and closing the fridge.  Which I do count.

(C) Justin’s other dig deeper question asked me about what one dream I have which I am most looking forward to having come true.  Uhm… what?!  Even I wouldn’t ask that question.  Let’s also ride on a unicorn together while we paint technicolor rainbows out of Skittles and sing the Smurfs theme song.

(I hope you also have this song stuck in your head.)

So excellent work on your matching skills once again, eHarmony.  I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Justin. And I wish I could show you all my probably very sarcastic response to those questions, because I’m sure it was fantastic.  But I can’t. Because he blocked me.

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