When you sign up to join the magical world of online dating, there’s a ton of questions you have to answer. One of them is how far away you’re willing to travel to meet Mr. Wonderful.
Now, as a rule of thumb, I refuse to cross state lines with the sole purpose of meeting the love of my life. There must be some man worth dating in the state of Maryland. I get that it’s not a huge state, but there must be someone worthwhile.
So when eHarmony completely stopped matching me with people in the old line state, it was pretty depressing. Even if you talk with these people online, it’s like, “oh, you want to get a cup of coffee with me? Sure! Can we meet in the middle? Okay, see you in two hours.”
No, thank you.
I did change my settings so that eHarmony will exclusively match me with people who live within 50 miles of Baltimore (and that’s a pretty wide berth if you ask me). But now, every time I log in I get this gem:
Now, for being in the business of dating, this is a pretty stupid post for eHarmony to make. I think any man in his right mind who has ever dated a woman knows not to tell her to “relax.” “Really, eHarmony? You want me to relax?! I’LL GIVE YOU RELAX!!”
But in a nutshell, this post is telling me to forego wanting to date people near me, in favor of just dating people, period. “Don’t worry about finding a man in the state of Maryland. Just worry about finding yourself a man!” This makes me feel super great about myself. I’m now so undesirable that eHarmony has completely given up on putting in the effort to match me with a Marylander.
But I took a stand. NO! I will not leave Maryland to find a man. So I left my settings the same, only to see that mocking exclamation point every time I log in.
But eHarmony is a tricky devil, and instead they pull this crap on me:
It’s their little “fuck you” of online dating. “Hey Carin, I know you said these are the specifications of someone you want to date, but we can’t find a single person in Maryland who would want to date you. So this is what you get.” So even though I clearly said, “don’t match me with someone outside of Maryland,” they do anyway and then just put a little notice to remind me that this person is outside my settings. Why do I bother?
Now Match and OKC are a little better because you don’t really get matched, per se (which is ironic, given that one of the sites is specifically called “Match”). I like to compare these dating sites to the neighborhood kids you used to play with when you were a child. Sure, they might not have been fun, or even nice. But they live just down the street! So the neighborhood parents dump everyone into a sandbox and say, “this kid lives close to you! Go play with them!”
A few days ago I got a message on OKC. It was actually kind of sweet. The guy managed to scrawl out more than “hi,” so I have to give him some credit.
But if I zoom out a bit…
One more time for big fuzz?
Houston. As in, a mere 1,446 miles away. Where do you see this going, Tyler? Pouring ourselves crappy coffee into the nicest mugs we own and having a “Skype coffee date!” on a Friday night? Setting up Battleship on each of our desks while we call “B5!” into the phone and hope it’s a hit? Sounds like a stellar relationship. I can’t wait.
But here’s what gets me. Why am I the only person who thinks about this? Why would you possibly write someone who lives 1,446 miles away with the purpose of dating them. Maybe if you’re foreign and hoping for a green card. But just some dude living in Houston? Find a girl who lives in Texas! Texas is a HUGE state. If you can’t find someone for yourself in Texas, I don’t think I want to be dating you either.