Congratulations! You’re not ugly…

Today, I got an e-mail from OK Cupid.  It said this:


Now, for most girls, this would probably be a huge compliment.  But I think by this point we can all agree I don’t really fit in the “most girls” category.

The thing about online dating is it’s all very superficial.  You look at a picture of someone and say, “yes.”  (Or, conversely, “oh hells no.”)  But this is pretty crappy for people who don’t photograph well, or men who fit more into the “fixer upper” category and just need to comb their hair and wear clothing that actually fit them (i.e. men who need a woman.  And isn’t that why they’re on OKC in the first place??).  We all overlook people based on a handful of self-selected images.

So that being said, it is very flattering to sign in to OKC and see this:


I’m flattered 259 people have even taken the time to look at my profile, let alone liked it.  I haven’t liked any of their profiles.  Know why?  Because I’m not 13.  If I like someone’s profile, I’ll send them a message.  I’m not going to click the number of stars I’d give them.  It’s not People-Netflix.  And do you also know why I don’t do this?  Because to see who has liked you, you have to pay.  I’m not going to pay to see which 259 guys have judged the way I look and then ranked me on it.

That’s called life.

So back to this e-mail, it literally says the words, “We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.” Who gets to decide that?  Apparently it’s actually determined by number of clicks and reactions to your profile.

But then, OKC says, “did you get a new haircut or something?”

Amusingly, yes, I did just get my hair cut.  Thank you for noticing, OKC.

But here’s the real point:


Now I can only assume these are the people that my female counterparts have similarly “liked” and deemed yummylicious.  But as I said at the start of this post, I’m not really like other girls.  And OKC is really pissing me off, because I’m going to start seeing more muscle-clad, chin-dimpled, boat-shoe-wearing, sparkly teethed preppy boys in my match results.  And I never asked for that.

By now flooding my mailbox with Captain America, I assume this means I will now be missing out on the gangly awkward boys who are really much more my type.  I’ll now be seeing Brad Pitts instead of Matthew Gray Gublers.  And I want my Gublers.  I can see it now — my mailbox will be full of men saying “check out my new rad tattoo” and “grab your leg warmers, we’re going for a jog.” (apparently I’m now dating guys in the 1980s)

My point is, there’s a certain amount of objective attractiveness (golden ratios and whatnot).  But as the saying goes, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  And my eye beholds men who can’t seem to put on weight, have no muscles, and don’t know what to do with themselves…

While I’m off on a tangent, let me hit this slightly unrelated, but also kind of on point note…

Attractiveness seems to be measured not just by haves and have nots, but there’s an entire scale of being attractive.  I’ve figured this out based on the following four terms for women:

Cute, beautiful, hot, and sexy.

I am the kind of girl that guys call “cute.”  Occasionally I’ll get a “beautiful.”  But I have never been called “hot” or “sexy.”  I don’t have that necessary kind of allure that comes with girls who know what the hell they’re doing.  This is also why I don’t get hit on at bars (not that anything positive has ever come from getting hit on at bars).  I don’t exude that “come hither” confidence that  (I assume, but actually don’t have any idea…) men look for.  This also goes back to my flirting inabilities.  Girls who think farting is funny will never be called “sexy,” and I’m totally okay with that.

So the fact that I’m now in some subclass of the good looking people really annoys me.  I’m not some cool girl who primps and pampers myself.  Sure, I try to look nice.  But I’m also the girl who spends 75% of my time at home in sweatpants.  Not even cute sweatpants.  Too-big men’s sweatpants with a picture of Bucky Badger on them.  And I’m not some sexy, flirtatious woman.  I’m the one who bought a PS2 just so I could get really good at Guitar Hero and show up all my guy friends in college.

So take me off the VIP list, OKC, and put me back with the schmucks and losers.  Take me back to my people.

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4 thoughts on “Congratulations! You’re not ugly…

  1. Caitlin says:

    I agree! It doesn’t follow that just because OTHER girls think a guy is “hot”, that you will, too! There’s gotta be some sort of logical fallacy going on here 🙂 Plus, sometimes “hot” person + “hot” person = ugly baby…so OKC better be careful what they’re meddlin’ with!

  2. John Appod says:

    So I decided to catch up on your blog after we talked about it en route to DI, and I just wanted to ask that you politely not throw all us dimpled chin guys into the batch of super rad 80’s preppy guys. Some of us butt-chinned folks are nerdy and awkward, too. 🙂

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