So far, this blog has served as my commentary on the ridiculousness of online dating. But I figure, now’s the time to take things to the next level. Now is the time to start pulling out my AP Statistics skills. You were warned.
OK Cupid divides its profiles into 12 editable categories.
- My self-summary — here, you write “a little about yourself.” Basically, it’s the section where you lay out why you took the sad, sad step into online dating.
- What I’m doing with my life — this is the section where I try to write everything except “I work part time and live with my parents.”
- I’m really good at — most people use this to tout their accomplishments. This is where I talk about how I make delicious waffles and will probably kick your ass at board games. Priorities, people.
- The first things people notice about me — everyone says, “my eyes” or, “I’m tall” (unless they’re short. Then they don’t write that).
- Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food — a smorgasbord of all the information you didn’t know where to put. “I really want my future matches to know how much I enjoyed watching Breaking Bad but it doesn’t fit in my self-summary!!!!” Well, here’s the place it goes. ‘You’re welcome,’ says OK Cupid.
- I spend a lot of time thinking about — sex. What else are 20-30 year old single men thinking about. <- Rhetorical question.
- On a typical Friday night I am — I hate this question. What’s a “typical Friday”? This is where people talk about their rad social lives. This is where I put “sleeping.” Seriously.
- The most private thing I’m willing to admit — The most private thing I’m willing to admit is this question makes me SUPER uncomfortable. Reading these responses is like finding out who’s going to be the next Ted Bundy.
- I’m looking for — this is a fill-out-a-form section, so you can’t get real deep here. But I am concerned by the option of marital status here. I.e., OK Cupid gives me the option to look for a married man…. Awkward.
- You should message me if — …you’re not going to murder me in my sleep.
- My Details — another form section. This is like asking a/s/l, but without having to worry about the font and color like you used to on AIM.
- The six things I could never do without…
It’s this last one I want to focus on.
While reading through profiles, I noticed a lot of different approaches to filling out this section. What six things could you never do without. That’s pretty deep stuff right there. I think there’s actually very few things I could never do without. But I wanted to dive deeper into the male psyche (scary, right?), so I decided to take a little sample.
I clicked on the first 50 profiles which appeared on my OK Cupid match site. I know this isn’t a great sample of ALL of OK Cupid, but it’s maybe an ok sample of my own matches. I didn’t sort the matches in any way, so as far as I know, OKC just randomly presented me these gentlemen. I pulled 50 samples of men who responded to the question, because that’s when I lost interest and patience in this experiment. I put these responses in an Excel spreadsheet. Again, I am a huge nerd. You’re welcome.
So before I get to the results, let’s walk through the actual process of pulling these samples.
The One Who Doesn’t List Anything
Either (a) You are some sort of amazing mountain man who needs nothing to survive or, (b) you’re a lazy asshole who couldn’t be bothered to fill this out.
Side note — I haven’t filled it out either. But that’s another thing altogether.
The One Who Takes It WAY Too Seriously
This is the guy who lists “air.” I mean, I have to give you credit for practicality. You definitely couldn’t do without air. I mean, you could, but your life expectancy would diminish greatly. As in… like, the next 3 minutes or so.
The Guy Who Gives Zero Shits
This can be summed up by the guy who listed “cunning plans,” “insurmountable odds,” “swanky bow ties,” and “unusual words” among his six things. I actually really like all of those, but you’re also clearly not answering the question. You could do without swanky bow ties. That is, unless you’re an old timey professor with a drinking problem. Then, spot on.
Okay so in one column I wrote every necessity to each fellow. I did combine some similar words just for data gathering purposes (ex. “laughing” and “comedy” were combined). I then kept a running tally in the second column of how many gentlemen gave each response. Here’s the results.
^for dramatic effect^
Nearly 47% of responses were a “one time” response among my sample, meaning no one else copied them. Some of my favorites from this category? Sex, hot apple cider, Halloween, dreams, peace, and a job. The first three are obviously sort of amusing, but the last three concern me that no one cares about having dreams or a job. Maybe this is why online dating sucks so bad.
Only two people listed “love” as something they need. Guess no one got the memo from John, Paul, George and Ringo.
Three people said their need water.
The same number of people (four) said they couldn’t live without God as those who said they couldn’t live without their cat.
Dogs, money, and food all got 5 responses each.
7 people said they couldn’t do without the Internet, but 13 people said they absolutely needed some form of technology (computer, iPod, Xbox, Kindle, etc.). I separately tabulated people who absolutely must have their cell phone, and that also got 13 responses.
Only 22% of guys want to have fun and laugh, but nearly 40% need music.
The only responses that garnered more than 50% of the vote was “family” (with 27 votes) and friends topped the list with 30 total votes.
So you care about your friends more than your mom?
So what does this data tell us? Probably just that I need a hobby…