Baby we were born to run (but not together)

Guys like athletic girls.

I get it.

That’s why Sporty Spice was the most popular of the Spice Girls (wait… that can’t be right).

But the point is, if I had a nickle for every time a guy said he wants to date a girl who is sporty, athletic, enjoys being “healthy,” physically fit, toned, etc. etc. etc… I’d have like at least 5 whole dollars.  And do you know what I’d do with that $5?  Go buy a burrito.

Now I got into the issue of body image in another post (which was one of my all time most popular posts, so thank you guys!), so I don’t want to go there. Continue onward…

When I see a guy say that he is looking for an athletic girl — one who loves all the same sports teams he loves, who will watch endless hockey and then go for a 10 mile run with him through the park while smiling and singing — I just want to laugh at him in the face.  What he’s looking for is this…

(Can I just say, this find was too perfect.)

Instead….

run

I’m sure athletic women exist, but the girls I know who exercise do it because:

  • they think they’re fat.

Actually, that pretty much sums it up.

What a guy wants, from what I’ve observed, is a girl who enjoys being athletic, sporty, and super in shape with a rockin’ bod… but at the same time, a girl who glistens and is sweet and chaste and “a lady” (to quote the video. And Tom Jones).  Now not to say these things are mutually exclusive…. but let’s just say, the “sporty” girls I know and hang out with more often burp a lot and tell fart jokes. Which is basically why I hang out with them.

And what does it say about someone that this is their MAIN priority in finding a woman? Not that she’s nice, or intelligent, or funny, but that she’s athletic. Now, I like to watch sports on occasion — some football and soccer. And I do think it’s important to have common interests with a partner. But this is your tippy top priority? Before religion comes running shoes?

And what’s more, I don’t know if anyone got the memo, but working out isn’t really a two person activity. When you go running with someone, you’re basically parallel heavy breathing and sweating. But not in a good way. It’s not a bonding activity. I’m not learning about your likes and dislikes. I’m just watching your face become deeper shades of fuschia (which is funny, but isn’t romantic).  And when we run together, now I’m all self conscious about the weird way that one of my hands makes a fist, but the other one just kind of limply dangles there. Why does that happen? I try so hard to make normal hand running movements, but then I look like Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible.  And then as soon as my concentration wanders to, say, not falling on my face — BAM — weird fist/limp hand again. It’s my curse.

What other ways can I show you I’m athletic and sporty? I know, let’s lift weights together!

Nothing says, “I love you” like dropping 50 pounds of iron on your chest accidentally.  But I’ll show my devotion by calling the ambulance in a timely manner, honey.

“Hey, that’s not fair, Carin!” you’re probably saying right now (actually, you’re probably not. But just play along).  “There’s lots of pair activities you can do with someone that are athletic.”

Fact! I could:

  • Throw/catch a frisbee
  • Throw/catch a baseball
  • Throw/catch a football
  • Kick a soccerball
  • Play HORSE
  • Play one-on-one basketball
  • Play badminton
  • Play ping-pong/table tennis
  • Play regular tennis
  • Fence
  • Shoot some pool

just to name a few.

The only problem is, these all require hand-eye coordination, of which I have none.  Especially with fencing. That just seems like a terrible date idea.

Here are some date ideas I might suggest:

  • Hot dog eating contest
  • Binge watching TV
  • Make me a margarita
  • Walk to the snowball stand. But actually, let’s just drive.
  • Facebook stalk people we don’t like
  • Play video games. But not the kind where I have to get up or move anything other than my thumbs.

These are all perfectly fun date ideas that don’t require me to (a) be sweaty, (b) be smelly, (c) need to take a shower.  Which are all things I think that should be avoided on dates.

So how about watching sports? That sounds fun right?

Sure! What better way is there to impress a guy than to scream profanity at a TV while stuffing my face with wings and gesturing wildly like a spastic person?

Just kidding. I don’t eat wings.

I’ve talked long enough. Let’s wrap it up.

Athletic guys with their python thighs and their giant, veiny arms deserve love, too.  Just don’t force your athletic lifestyle on me. Unless by “sporty” you mean “able to walk.”  In which case, I’m VERY sporty.

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3 thoughts on “Baby we were born to run (but not together)

  1. I’m reading this at work and my mates are wondering what the hell is so funny because I’ve literally been laughing out loud. Thank you. I hate the dreaded “slender”…because I’m not…and I consider my 30 year old personal-trainer-who-is-also-a-fitness-model to be what’s needed to say “athletic”. So I’m left with “Average”…because the last time I told a dude I had a “juicy bottom” and was “curvy” he told me (after seeing my juicy bottom) that I should NEVER say that again to someone who hasn’t met me…because it’s code for “fat” and in fact I was “sexy as hell”.

    What’s a girl to do?
    annstvincent.wordpress.com

    • Carin says:

      I hear you! I call myself “curvy” but I think that’s definitely slick speak for “fat.” Ugh, so many girl problems haha! Glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for checking out the blog 🙂

      • Yes! Don’t call yourself curvy! More than one guy has told me he assumes a woman is fat when she says that. Sites should have a “marilyn munro-esque” option.

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