Okay… It’s been like a month. And that’s not cool. And I’m sorry. I could make lots of excuses, but I won’t.
So because (a) I’ve been promising it forever, (b) I love you guys, and (c) I want to thank you for sticking with me despite my significant passage of time since posting, I am OFFICIALLY having my give-away — starting NOW!!! Details later in the post, so make sure you read on if you want to win free stuff!!!!
But first, I will delight you with tales of creepy men of online dating. Because isn’t that why you’re here in the first place?
There are lots of creepy guys online. Kind of like there’s lots of creepy guys everywhere. Especially, it seems, if you are me. I went out with my friend to a club the other night. She got hit on by tall, attractive, foreign men. I got molested by at least three short middle aged men. Score.
So it seems my lot in life to find the most awkward, uncomfortable, reprehensible men on the interwebs and have them try to take me out.
Let’s break down some of these fine specimen:
The “I’m old enough to be your dad” guy
I really wish I kept these messages so I could share them with you lovely people, but when a man who is old enough to be my father messages me, it skeezes me out so much that I usually delete them immediately.
But here’s the deal: I understand the draw of dating a younger woman — our skin springs back when you poke it, it’s still kind of socially acceptable to have super long hair, and we’re not yet worn down by life and tired of your antics.
But at the same time, it seems likely that you actually have offspring that are my age. And nothing is more creepy than a guy wanting to date (read: sleep with) someone who could actually remind him of his own child. Like, that’s just one step away from going to prison. Or from having really developmentally stunted grandchildren.
And from my perspective: what’s the draw of dating a man that much older? First of all, there’s the whole Electra Complex thing which I don’t even want to get into. And seeing a middle aged man naked seems zero percent interesting, especially if he’s competing with 20-somethings. I understand that for some women, the benefit is older men typically are further along in their career and have more money. But not always! And it seems like the old “dad” guys who are sending me messages online are the ones who have less than $100 in their retirement account, whose stomach now looks like a large bowl of vanilla pudding, and who have more hair on their back than on their heads. All around, winner.
The “I just don’t get it” guy
This one is courtesy of my friend Allie, who messaged me after this lovely experience in online dating…
So many things happening here.
First — he’s a solid 15 years older than her. Which is whatever, but I’m still making a note of it.
Second — who opens with, “I’m hungry and you look delicious”?? What a freaking creepy thing to say to someone you’ve never met. Look, I get I complained about “hi,” but at least that’s something that normal people say. I think it’s great he tried to stand apart from the pack and come up with something original. But that “original” thing shouldn’t give me nightmares.
Third — men, when a girl responds to your advances with, “gross,” it’s time to hang up your hat and go home. Blind repulsion usually isn’t something you can come back from. Occasionally there’s a playful, “you’re so annoying” which can sometimes turn into flirtation and then maybe into dating, but I think this case is pretty cut and dry.
Fourth — what about this conversation asks for an invitation to go on a date? Ugh. Reign it in, bro. I can smell your desperation from here, and it doesn’t smell like something you’d want to eat (despite how hungry you claim to be).
The creepiness here is off the charts. Look, I get that online dating and putting yourself out there is really hard, but take some social cues here. This guy is like a cop who needs to give out his quota of speeding tickets before the end of the month. But no one’s getting caught in the speed trap, so move along.
The “I’m a good listener” guy
Now this guy might seem like a nice guy, but don’t be confused. This is often a creepy guy in disguise. Why, you ask? Here’s my cynical breakdown:
People are selfish. It’s true. Go to dinner with an acquaintance you haven’t seen in a while and ask them about themselves. If they ask you something, answer it succinctly, but keep the attention on them. 9 times out of 10, the conversation will never circle back around to you. You’re going to be listening to Susie talking about her new boyfriend, old haircut, and wonky cuticles for a full hour.
So the most basic thing I have to say about “I’m a good listener” guy is…
Like, why is “good listener” the one thing you want me to know about you? Instead of saying interesting things about yourself, hobbies, likes, dislikes… you just want me to know that you are capable of listening. Which to me means, you have nothing interesting to contribute to a conversation. Or that you thrive on high drama situations (which is generally why men perceive that women want men to listen to them). Or that he’s a skeezy creeper who is hoping to lure women in based on their notion of sweet, interested men from romcoms and Jane Austen novels. (Actually, the guys in Jane Austen novels seem to also be creeps. Except Mr. Darcy. He’s just misunderstood.) In any of the above scenarios, I want nothing to do with Mr. “Good Listener.” Because I know this is REALLY what’s going on…
Listening to a woman for 5 seconds earns you free ice cream. And look how pained he is by listening for those five seconds. Clearly the listening is really, really difficult, or else he would be much fatter from earning much more free ice cream. (Side note: I actually kind of hate this commercial. Maybe if you hate listening to your wife so much, and you love sports on TV and ice cream so much, then you should divorce your wife and marry sports and ice cream. Great marketing, Klondouche).
Now I know there are many, many more creepy men. I don’t want to scare you all at once though, so I think it’s enough to leave it at that.
Have you had an experience with a creepy guy while dating online? Write about it in the comments below! I’d love to hear from you!
What’s amusing to me is the number of people who dive into online dating after reading my blog (my blog made you want to date people online? Really!?), and just how many people are really looking for love. I know I complain about it in the blog, but I really do wish everyone all the best in their quest for finding the Robin to their Ted.
So… I’m giving away a little “date package” as my way of saying thank you for reading!
What you get: a $30 credit for ProFlowers and a $15 gift card for Starbucks (flowers and coffee?! Huzzah!)
How you get it: By following my blog! I’ll randomly select one lucky winner this Saturday, May 10, 2014 and will announce them here on my blog!
How do I become a follower??: Just click “+Follow” at the top of the screen! Or scroll to the bottom and click “Follow Blog Via Email”
What if I don’t want that prize?: I’ll announce the winner Saturday, but make sure you check my blog to see if you’ve won! If I don’t know how to get in touch with you, I’ll do a re-draw on Monday, May 12, 2014. And if you win but just plain don’t want it, let me know and I’ll draw again!
What else can I do?: As always, please share my blog on your Facebook, Twitter, word of mouth, whatever. I promise I’ll try to be much better about posting. And encourage your friends to follow my blog as well! Heck, maybe if they win, they’ll take you out for coffee! (Love connection: made.)
You guys rock 🙂 Thanks for reading!