If you’ve never been on OK Cupid, basically, it’s an online dating site that shows you just about everybody who lives within a 5,000 mile radius of where you live. I mean, I can’t think of a better way to describe it, since I’m actually matched with people from Alaska. True story.
But after they show you every living male in the continental United States, they give you a little percentage next to their username. That percentage is how well matched you are with that person. How well you’d get along. How much you have in common.
So how do they get that percentage? Well, you have to answer questions from a looooong list. You can skip them if you want. You can answer a few or a lot. The more you answer, the better you can be matched.
But as I’ve been going through these questions, I’ve had the pleasure of coming upon several questions that were so wonderfully awful, hilarious, or stupid, that I would just love to meet the person who comes up with them. So I’ve decided to compile a list of my personal top 10 favorite questions on OK Cupid.
(Just a note: some of these look different bc I copied them from the app on my phone versus the site on my computer)
Yes. Thank you, Ok Cupid, for asking this hard-hitting question. How would I know the patriotic nature of my future mate without subtle questions like, “do you own your own country’s flag?”
But then, there are nuances. I also own a South Africa and New Zealand flag. Does this diminish the ownership of my American flag? Do I own the US flag less because I own other flags?
And what if one was gifted to me? Does it matter if I purchased it myself?
What if I have my country’s flag printed onto a t-shirt or hat? Does that count? How do I answer this question with sincerity and honesty? This is one of those questions that could change the entire course of my life!!!! So much pressure!
This is a good question. Except… the third option. Oh, the third option. Actually, if someone said that, I think we would be a better match than before.
By “a certain light,” do you mean, “a street light”? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the only light you would have if you were homeless.
Is this a sneaky way of asking someone if they’re homeless without actually asking? Because then they could brand it as “urban camping” or “living within my means.” I’m pretty sure the only way to make homelessness exciting is if you actually have a home and are just seeing a little less of it while you go to work or run errands. Being homeless is sad. I don’t think I’ve ever walked past a homeless person, huddling in a blanket with no shoes, and thought to myself, “wow, what a thrilling life-style! I should try it some time!”
But I need more details.
- How many people are we talking here?
- Do I know this group of people? Or are they strangers?
- Are these males and females? Because that makes a difference. I don’t need any surprise appendages touching me while I put my right hand on blue.
- Is the spinner naked, in addition to the twistees?
- Why Twister? Why not naked Monopoly?
- How large is the Twister board? Is it regulation size?
This question leaves too many unanswered details. Next…
Whose blood? Is OK Cupid a vampire dating site and I missed the memo? And what normal person is drinking blood so they know if they like the taste of it or not? I feel like even saying “no” implies that you tried it and disliked the taste. Your only good option is to skip this question. Seriously.
“No, mom, I can’t come to dinner. The Devil is making me watch tv for the rest of eternity.”
What the hell?! (pun intended)
Why can’t they just say, “if you could only pick one, would you rather read or watch tv?”
Also, are evil forces making me do only that for the rest of my life? Like, I literally can’t do anything except read a book or watch tv? Or is it like, I just can’t do whichever one I didn’t choose ever again?
And how are the evil forces making me? Are they holding my soul hostage? That seems very evil-force-like.
Also, is it the same book and/or the same tv show for all of eternity? And if so, is it the same tv series or same tv episode for the rest of my life? These are important things to consider. Because if I have to watch Rock of Love I’d rather dig my eyes out with plastic quarter-cup measures. But if it’s Friends then I basically do that already, anyway.
I’m pretty sure slaves are illegal. I mean, if I’m getting my history right (don’t worry, I consulted the all-mighty Wikipedia), The Emancipation Proclamation ended slavery in the mid-1800s. So, are they asking me if I’ve been alive since before the mid-1800s? Are they asking me if I’m 200 years old? Because you should never ask a woman her age, OK Cupid.
Aren’t I on an online dating website? Did I take a wrong turn and end up in “let’s hang out. Can I bring my wife” land?
This question is trouble. There’s no good answer. If you’re on an online dating website, you’d never say “yes.” So then you’d lie and say “no.” And then you’re married and a liar. And probably in a terrible marriage. And you’re probably in a terrible marriage because you’re on OK Cupid in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon.
Go home. Call your wife. Get out of here.
Oh man, this one was SUCH a toss up with #1. I love everything about this question. I love that they want to compare my life to the salmon life cycle. I love that they know the proper terms for a salmon life cycle. I love that I can choose to forego my land-dwelling life and instead immerse myself in salt water.
The person who wrote this question is so ingenious, I don’t think I can even translate this into dating lingo. But you know me. I’m going to try. Obviously.
- Fry — these are the people in online dating who are looking for an incestuous relationship with their brothers or sisters. Maybe a close cousin. They also only have dinner at their mom and dad’s house, while in the bathtub.
- Smolt — these are the people in online dating who are transitioning into life as a grown-up, but they haven’t quite figured out the phrase “there’s plenty of fish in the sea,” mostly because there’s lots of things in the sea that aren’t fish. Like dolphins. And sea cucumbers. And squid. So this person is excited to see where life takes them, but don’t worry — their dreams will be crushed soon, just like a tiny salmon into giant shark teeth.
- Adult — these are the people in online dating who have big boobs that basically just work as flotation devices, which is why they live in salt water. …Right?
- Spawner — these are the people in online dating who just had a bunch of babies and then died. So I guess someone else is doing their online dating profile for them.
That seems right… right?
Finally, the moment has come!
The question that started the whole list. This is my all-time favorite question. It’s the cream of the crop, because it really gets down to what matters most in life.
When looking for a relationship, what’s important? A close, emotional connection with someone you love, who tells you their deepest secrets and trusts you completely? Someone to come home to at the end of every day, who will listen to your problems and tell you everything will be okay? Someone who really cares?
Or… oral sex?