So fresh and so clean

Finding a match online with a high compatibility percentage is all about the questions you answer. On OK Cupid, those questions range from super important, to completely asinine. And yet, all of these questions add up to how well matched you are with every man on online dating. You answer the question yourself, and then say which answers would be acceptable for your partner to say. If your partner answers these questions “wrong” (according to you), it brings down your online dating percentage.

When it comes to answering these online dating questions, there is one question that every man I’ve come across has marked my answer as inexcusable, undesirable, and all-around terrible. When I find a man whose match percentage is in the high 90s, I just know the thing holding us back from a perfect 100 is this question, this horrible confession I have uncovered on my online dating profile. The red, blaring letters look back at me from the computer screen, screaming “unacceptable answer!” No man wants a woman who answers this question in this manner. This question with an incredibly high level of importance. So awful is my answer that I have never yet found a man who has viewed my answer as even slightly satisfactory.

bathe_less

Since when are men the hygiene police?!

This question comes up more often than you think. In fact, every single man I’ve come across online has not only answered this question, but found it only acceptable to answer “at least once a day.”

My question is, why is there an “at least”? Do people shower more than once a day, regularly? Because that kind of freaks me out, too. Maybe I’ll change my answer so that is an unacceptable response to me. “Wanted: one man, minimal filth.”

The options for this question are:

  • At least once a day.
  • Usually daily. I skip some.
  • A couple times a week.
  • Once a week or less.

Now, I find these answers to be pretty unfair. I either shower every day, or now I’ve become akin to a college class schedule: “Tuesday/Thursday or Monday/Wednesday/Friday.” And when it comes to cleanliness, this seems like you can expect me to be covered in random jam debris, like a toddler learning to wield a utensil for the very first time.

And yet…

Experts actually say you shouldn’t wash your hair every day. It strips your hair of its natural oils and makes it dry and brittle. Which, in my book, means only one thing: “SUCK IT, everyone!”

But as I dismount from my very, very… astronomically high horse, this fact really doesn’t seem to matter to men. I’m still sitting here covered in sticky fruit with stringy, oily hair as far as their concerned. And, shockingly, it seems that’s not desirable to men.  Who knew??

I’ve become so self-conscious about my bathing habits that I felt the need to add a disclaimer to my OK Cupid question (because I refuse to change my answer to make my answer go from red to black. I won’t give them the satisfaction!)

bathe_more

This question has become my version of “whoever smelt it, dealt it.” I’m just trying to be completely honest about my innocence, but I’m probably going way overboard. I swear guys, it wasn’t me. I don’t smell! Honest!

It’s so funny to me that this is of the highest priority to men on online dating sites. Men are notoriously stinky. Everyone knows that. Men’s Fitness even has an article called “4 Reasons You Stink.”

But are bathing habits really the question at hand here? Who cares how much you bathe, as long as you don’t stink? I feel like stinkiness is of much higher priority than frequency of bathing. And stinkiness comes in many different forms, not just body odor.

So with that said, I’d be much more interested in this question:

How much cologne do you wear?

None at all
Just a dab
I slather on a healthy amount
I bathe in it

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3 thoughts on “So fresh and so clean

  1. cmorrell2014 says:

    Hilarious again!

  2. You know, I changed my answer regarding sex drive from “insatiable” to whatever the next answer down was…because there were far too many men that concluded that it was all I was about. So sure, untrue, but saved me a lot of headache.

  3. zingiberi says:

    Too funny! Why not just clear the question? But I like your cologne alternative- they should definitely add it to the database.

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