Monthly Archives: January 2015

A light in the storm

Most of the time, life is a complete crapstorm. You’re late for work, your dog ran away, you accidentally spill your coffee all over a stranger, you piss off your friend by telling her that her shoes don’t match her dress.

So I think it’s important to find the hilarity in life. And what is more hilarious than online dating?

I get messages on OK Cupid all the time, which is obviously great fodder when you have an online dating blog. But some messages are indeed better than others. Some messages are confusing or strange. Some messages are too good not to share because of the hilarity that ensues. And some messages are just plain weird. What sort of hilarity?

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Won’t you share my glitter crayons?

Dating is hard.

It’s a constant battle of rejection. You put your heart out there like a kid with a fresh pack of glitter crayons, only to watch that mean little boy snap each one and throw it at your head. And those are no ordinary crayons. They’re glitter crayons. And snapping glitter crayons on purpose should be a crime.

So whenever I get a message from someone on an online dating site, I recognize that this is a person who is going out of his way to write to me, to hand me a glitter crayon. And sometimes, yes, I snap them. Sometimes I just kind of look at the glitter crayon and slowly walk away, hoping they don’t notice that I never actually responded to their offer. But I also try to turn down the glitter crayon with poise and grace. Except that no one has ever described me as poised nor graceful. At least, not anyone who knows me.

But sometimes I get a glitter crayon from someone who so clearly should not be sharing their glitter crayons with me that I wonder, what are you doing? Are you just handing crayons to all the girls in class? Or are you just a terrible judge of character and you’re handing it to girls who you know will not only snap your crayons, but stomp on them and turn them into waxy flakes, rubbing the shimmery paste into the pre-school carpet.

So sometimes I get messages and think, “why me? In what world is this a good match?” And, more shockingly, sometimes OK Cupid is on the same page as the glitter crayon guy. Sometimes OK Cupid is like, “Yeah, you guys would be GREAT together. This is the best match I’ve ever made!” Except it’s not. And if you ever spend two minutes reading through the Questions section, you would know why,

This is a story of just such a guy.

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