Won’t you share my glitter crayons?

Dating is hard.

It’s a constant battle of rejection. You put your heart out there like a kid with a fresh pack of glitter crayons, only to watch that mean little boy snap each one and throw it at your head. And those are no ordinary crayons. They’re glitter crayons. And snapping glitter crayons on purpose should be a crime.

So whenever I get a message from someone on an online dating site, I recognize that this is a person who is going out of his way to write to me, to hand me a glitter crayon. And sometimes, yes, I snap them. Sometimes I just kind of look at the glitter crayon and slowly walk away, hoping they don’t notice that I never actually responded to their offer. But I also try to turn down the glitter crayon with poise and grace. Except that no one has ever described me as poised nor graceful. At least, not anyone who knows me.

But sometimes I get a glitter crayon from someone who so clearly should not be sharing their glitter crayons with me that I wonder, what are you doing? Are you just handing crayons to all the girls in class? Or are you just a terrible judge of character and you’re handing it to girls who you know will not only snap your crayons, but stomp on them and turn them into waxy flakes, rubbing the shimmery paste into the pre-school carpet.

So sometimes I get messages and think, “why me? In what world is this a good match?” And, more shockingly, sometimes OK Cupid is on the same page as the glitter crayon guy. Sometimes OK Cupid is like, “Yeah, you guys would be GREAT together. This is the best match I’ve ever made!” Except it’s not. And if you ever spend two minutes reading through the Questions section, you would know why,

This is a story of just such a guy.

Jon messaged me a long time ago — last April. He sent me a nice message. And nice messages usually warrant responses.

msg01

As you can see, Jon is really eager. He is also a self-proclaimed “cool guy.” You know what convinces me someone is cool? Them telling me that they’re cool.

So I took some time and looked through Jon’s profile… and noticed a lot of red flags. Like, if you were on a beach and there were that many red flags, you’d probably avoid the ocean. At least, I hope you would. Otherwise, you’d probably get eaten by a shark. And at your funeral everyone would say, “It’s so sad that (insert your name here) got eaten by a shark. But I don’t understand why they went in the ocean. Didn’t they see all the red flags?”

But given that Jon wrote such a nice message, I wanted to send a nice response and not just leave him hanging. After all, he’s a cool guy. So this exchange happened…

msg02The grammar. The grammar. Oh, the grammar.

Poor Jon was clearly sad, which I could tell because he used a sad face emoji. But I began to think, why exactly does everyone seem to turn down poor Jon? Why does Jon’s quest for a fellow glitter crayon enthusiast go unrewarded?

So I spent quite some time looking through our likes and dislikes, and I think I came to a pretty clear conclusion as to why everyone is turning down poor Jon.

As a disclaimer… I hope I’ve made this clear throughout my posts that I in no way am trying to belittle anyone’s point of view, only the fact that this is not a good match for me specifically. I think everyone should be entitled to think what they want to think, and I hope this young man finds someone whose views match his own — which I hope was conveyed in the message I sent to Jon.

So here we go:

answer07

answer10

Jon places little value in education. I spent 24 years becoming disgustingly educated and owing lots of money for the privilege of doing so. Jon has a high school education, and I know a lot of extremely successful people who didn’t go to college. I also know a lot of people who aren’t so successful and went to grad school. Personally, I went the unsuccessful and highly educated route and I want my kids to make the same poor life choices I made.

The second question makes me wonder if he’s against all intellectual conversations, or just ones that are intense. Maybe it’s the intensity that has Jon heading for the hills. Maybe if it was a very level-headed intellectual conversation, one with cookies and lemonade in the lobby afterwards, he would be all in. Or maybe not.

answer05

Now I know the question is whether you could date someone else with no long-term goals, but in my experience, this is really a question about yourself. Do you have goals, yes or no? And saying that you could date someone with no goals probably means that you have no goals. But what do I know?

Don’t worry folks, I’m just eaaaaasing you in here.

answer08

Now my faith is important to me, but people who don’t put any weight in science kind of make me nervous. Like, science is pretty broad. I get that some people don’t believe in evolution (I’m just gonna let that sit there…), but do you not put any weight in any science? Like, do you not believe in gravity? Or bacteria? Or how water turns into ice and steam? It’s madness. MADNESS!!!

answer06So basically:

But seriously… there’s a reason that Lily, Marshall, Barney, and Ted’s kids all reacted with “WHAT!?!?” and not “aww.” It’s because telling someone you love them after a first date… is creepy. And scary. But mostly creepy.

I don’t think I’m alone in this one. And if someone thinks it’s sweet, that means they might be inclined to do that if they feel that way. And if they might be inclined to do that, then you’ll see a Carin-sized hole in the door.

answer 03

Well gee golly, honey. I finished all the laundry and dishes, watched after our seven kids, went to the market, and did all the vacuuming. Why don’t I rub your feet while you kick back after a difficult day of pushing papers across your desk and drinking whiskey with your work buddies?

Blegh. Next.

answer01

Just gonna leave that rigggght there. And, next…

answer02

What cracks me up about this is that the red means that you don’t want the other person to answer in that way. So basically Jon says he goes out of his way to make others appreciated way more than average, but he doesn’t want a woman to go out of her way to make others feel appreciated. Why not, Jon? Why don’t you want to feel appreciated?

Now these all might seem like some pretty big differences. But you know, maybe I could look past all of that. Maybe having lots of guns and lacking strong female gender roles and not believing in science is something I could totally look past. Maybe I don’t need to be intelligent or have intense intellectual conversations. Maybe I don’t need any long term goals.

But then came the worst of all:

answer09

Advertisements
Tagged , ,

3 thoughts on “Won’t you share my glitter crayons?

  1. Claudia says:

    Best one yet – hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh…again!

  2. Spencer says:

    Randomly came across the weight in faith or science picture while browsing through an image search of ‘don’t worry I’m a scientist’. Being on OKCupid I also have my own set of “red flag” questions I search through. I will admit that in the beginning I was jokingly thinking to myself, “so far this is a good match,” but the red “Yes.” on the cuddling is a bit much for me, breaking my fake, joking heart.

    Slightly more seriously, one issue I’ve found with some of the red flag questions I look for is that sometimes they give the wrong answer and put up the flag, but then I see an explanation attached to the response. Usually the red flag stays up, but there have been times where the explanation ends up lowering the warning, though I think they should have picked a more fitting option in the first place.

    On this note, I’ll admit having answered the question, “Do you believe that men should be the heads of their households?” as yes, but after reading your commentary on this fellow’s response I realized that your idea of yes, my idea of yes, and possibly his idea of yes are quite different. (Which for me is not a head as in a totalitarian kind of way, but rather as a head, along with his partner, in being responsible for those in the household through actions inside and out of the home in a way that fits their situation and abilities.) As a result I am correcting mine with an explanation, but unfortunately even if he doesn’t view it as you’ve described you have no way of actually knowing that.

    • Carin says:

      Hey Spencer! First, thanks for randomly stumbling across my blog and staying long enough to check it out…and to comment! It’s always interesting to hear others’ perspectives on online dating, especially from the other side of the fence.

      I will say that I agree with you – red flags shouldn’t be taken at face value. A lot of times, the explanation does totally explain it, or I realize that the difference isn’t that big of a deal. Only when it’s a major lifestyle or morality difference is it really important, imho. I guess dating is all about which differences you’re willing to bend on and which are nonnegotiable.

      Glad I could give you some food for thought, and sorry for the heartbreaking cuddling question 😋

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: