Happy Valentine’s Ya Filthy Animal!

Valentine’s Day is often (un)affectionately referred to as “Singles Awareness Day.” As if I wasn’t aware of my singleness the other 364 days of the year.

So this Valentine’s Day I decided to celebrate Mardi Gras. That is, until the sky decided to poop out a bunch of snow that no one expected. So, you know… that happened.

Instead, I’ve decided maybe I should spend more time being aware that I’m single. Maybe actually being single, having my Facebook status say “single,” checking all the boxes on my taxes as “single,” and having a blog about being single just isn’t enough. Maybe I should have spent more time on February 14th really pondering what it means to be single. But since February 14th passed me by, let’s make February 17th the day to reeeallly dig into singleness. Let’s make February 17th “hey, you don’t have a boy/girlfriend!” day. It can be the day when your grandparents call you and ask if you’ve found a boy/girlfriend yet and your parents can ask why you’re still single and maybe its finally time to meet their coworker’s nephew who has that weird way that they slurp when they eat, but it’s really not THAT bad. And then your friends can have double dates with each other and you can stay at home because you don’t have anyone to double date with, so instead you can drink a bottle of cheap wine by yourself and cry into a large Papa Johns pizza while you watch Pretty Woman and think, “how did that skanky prostitute end up with Richard Gere? Maybe if I sang Prince in the bathtub I’d have a boyfriend, too.” Let’s make that a holiday. It seems like it would be less depressing to do that on a “holiday” than just some random Tuesday. And let’s make that holiday start today.

So obviously this is the time to dig into the beauty that is my online dating inbox. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still single and then I look at the pool of potential suitors and think, “oh yeah.” Like this guy:

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This is a super sweet sentiment. Except that none of my profile pictures include me wearing the color purple. Which means one of three things:

  1. He’s stalked me and has seen me either in person or online wearing the color purple.
  2. He’s colorblind.
  3. He would prefer I post a picture of myself wearing the color purple and this is a perfectly executed back-handed compliment. So back-handed that I’m not smart enough to be insulted. Secret genius.

Which of these is the best option? Also, in what world is this the thing that a man would comment on about a potential suitor? Or maybe he’s just crop dusting the women of online dating with this sort of flattering compliment until he finds a young woman who, coincidentally, is wearing purple in her picture. Genius, if you think about it. Maybe I could learn something from this guy.

I actually really like this one:

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jon has so much happening. First of all, he did accurately spell my name, which is actually really impressive. Way to go jon. But then, why the space after my name before the comma? What’s that about? And then an ellipses with only two periods. And he didn’t capitalize jon. And is it really nice to “meet me”? I mean, we haven’t really met, so maybe that’s the meaning behind the quotes, but it seems so disingenuous. And “How is all?” All what? All of creation? Maybe I haven’t responded to jon yet because I’m still waiting to hear back from everyone about how they’re doing so I can accurately respond to this vast question.

On a day like Valentine’s Day, you’d think my inbox would be flooded with failed attempts at booty calls or last minute dates. But not mine, buddy. Not one person wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day on OK Cupid, which seems ironic since the site’s name includes the word Cupid, which is basically the foundation of Valentine’s Day. You’d think the site itself would send me some generic “happy valentine’s day. I hope you don’t die alone” message. I mean, I don’t think that’s really too much to ask.

As I sit here writing this post, eating my half-priced Valentine’s candy (who says there’s not an upside to Valentine’s Day for single ladies?), I wonder why there’s so much pressure put on finding “the one.” Every time someone in a relationship finds out I’m single, they consolingly say, “you’ll find someone when you least expect it.” I don’t know why that’s good advice. It’s basically the worst, like I’m supposed to be reassured that one day the disease of singleness will be eradicated from my body. And why can’t I find someone when I most expect it? Why do we all have to go around looking for love only to find it once we give up? Why bother looking at all if that’s the case?

So keep looking ladies and gents. One day , maybe you’ll.. “meet”.. your own jon.

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5 thoughts on “Happy Valentine’s Ya Filthy Animal!

  1. Claudia says:

    Hilarious!!! And single or not, half-priced candy is great for all women!

  2. Gail Jothen says:

    My husband and I have never celebrated Valentine’s Day in 48 years, so singleness is not the only barrier to celebrating Valentine’s Day.

    • Carin says:

      It’s kind of neat that you decided to never celebrate Valentine’s Day after so many years together. I wonder why you decided it wasn’t important for you to celebrate?

      I suppose the only difference between singleness and not celebrating as a couple is it’s your choice not to celebrate Valentine’s Day with your husband, rather than having no one to celebrate with (other than friends, of course).

      Thanks for reading!

  3. […] flounder in love, becoming more and more hopeless as you think, “can’t anyone tell the color blue from the color purple?” I’m convinced these online dating sites just have this massive conspiracy where every […]

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