It’s All About Me

I spent a lot of time on this blog analyzing online dating, analyzing the men who I come across on these sites and the messages they send me. But what about me?

I decided to do something a little different for this post and examine how exactly I went about putting together my online dating profile. Why I decided to write what I wrote, (specifically in the “text” portion, i.e. hopefully it’s obvious that I listed by height as my actual height, and my religion as my actual religion, etc.), how I chose what pictures to post, etc. Because trust me, a lot of thought actually went into these decisions. All joking aside, I joined online dating in hopes of legitimately finding someone to spend my life with and I am still looking. This blog was just a happy accident and a fun side project.

So maybe, once we dive in, you’ll have some better insight into why I’m so miserably unsuccessful.

The Start

As loyal readers know, I joined online dating back in March of 2013. It all started with eHarmony followed by Match and OK Cupid, and it actually all started really well.

I wish I had a copy of my original profile, but I don’t, so I’ll just have to paint you a word picture. And if I had to say it in one word, it would be hopeful. But I can’t say it in one word, so here’s some more words:

My first profile was positive, energetic, and included everything I liked about life. I like reading books. I like English soccer. I like politics. (Oh, yeah… now I see it. That’s why dating isn’t working out…) And I got a lot of messages. I still get a lot of messages, which is how I get so much amazing fodder for this most excellent blog that you’re currently reading.

So I thought, let’s spruce up this bad boy. I decided to add information that really showed my personality. Like the fact that people think I’m funny (but isn’t it kind of sad to have to declare that you’re funny? That’s like, the least funny thing anyone has ever done ever. And that includes this:

I take it back. Nothing is less funny than that.)


Turn and face the strange.

Basically, everyone I was getting matched with (and who was messaging me) was a horrible match (as I’ve detailed throughout the blog). So I decided something had to change. I needed to be much more explicit about what exactly I’m looking for. Then, when a young suitor looks through my profile, he’ll know whether or not he should message me because he’ll be able to determine whether we’re a good match for each other!

That’s when I updated my “self-summary” to include more about me, beyond just likes/dislikes. I’m someone who is ambitious. I need to find someone who isn’t intimidated by me. I’m looking for a partner, not a push-over or a “man of the house.” I need someone who will keep pace with me, to challenge me. These are all things I thought would be really worthwhile to include in my online dating profile.

Old Ted doesn't approve.

Old Ted doesn’t approve.

What amazed me most about this change is that nothing changed. I still got the same messages from the same kooks. Remember this sentence: “Then, when a young suitor looks through my profile, he’ll know whether or not he should message me because he’ll be able to determine whether we’re a good match for each other!” What I didn’t recognize is that no one looks at what you write. They look at your pictures.

The Pictures

I have exactly six pictures on my online dating profile… but only three of them show up on OKC mobile, which is curious. Three of them have someone cut out of them. I am wearing a dress in one of them. I am wearing a t-shirt in another. I have two pictures where I’m wearing green, two where I’m wearing blue, one in yellow, and one in a multi-colored shirt. In one picture, I’m just hanging out with the Oriole bird (because, you know. That’s how I do). In another, I’m holding a tiny baby chicken. Because who hasn’t done that, seriously?

I tried to be varied in my pictures. I tried to show the kinds of things I like to do, the kind of activities I partake in, the various ways I style my hair (because I know what’s important to men) (except I just realized my hair is curled in almost all of them) (I don’t really curly my hair that much) (#hotcurlers).

So now I’ve gone beyond text, I’ve gone to pictures. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But given that I’ve typed 800 words right now, I guess I better write at least 200 more.

And still… the same kinds of messages. The same comments. Will no one get the hint?!


No, not for a gun.

I like lists as much as the next gal. So I decided, if they don’t want to read the paragraphs I carefully laid out explaining who I am and why I’m basically the best, and if the pictures aren’t teaching them enough about me, let’s just keep it simple.

Keep in mind, I am now at the point where I am legitimately trying to deter people. I am officially on an online dating website and trying to drive men away. Yes, this is true.

Here is the honest to God true bullet list on my online dating profile page:

  • I’m very independent
  • I’m very liberal. I have nothing against conservatives/republicans, but I couldn’t date one
  • I can be sarcastic, and my friends have described me as “witty.” I like to joke around, but I can also be pretty serious
  • If you are looking for someone who is very affectionate, I’m probably not for you. I am not a cuddly/PDA person
  • I do like watching some sports, but I’m not an outdoors or exercise enthusiast by any means
  • I am Christian and my faith is important to me.

There! That should do it! I can’t lay it out any more plainly than that!

But remember when I said: “Then, when a young suitor looks through my profile, he’ll know whether or not he should message me because he’ll be able to determine whether we’re a good match for each other!” What I didn’t recognize is that no one looks at what you write. I guess I still hadn’t learned my lesson. Because I started getting more messages than ever from conservative atheists who want me to go running with them and then come home and spoon on the couch.

I think one day I should work at an online dating site, because I’m officially now convinced they try to match you with the worst guys for you and then laugh hysterically as you flounder in love, becoming more and more hopeless as you think, “can’t anyone tell the color blue from the color purple?” I’m convinced these online dating sites just have this massive conspiracy where every time you pick a “must have,” you find ten men with the complete opposite qualifications.

Oh, right.

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2 thoughts on “It’s All About Me

  1. Claudia says:

    …conservative atheists who care about the environment and health and are warm fuzzy cuddlers? Like finding a unicorn in your house watching television. Yikes!

  2. Gail Jothen says:

    Hi, NPR interviewed a young lady who gave a Ted Talk on “How to Win at On Line Dating.” She said on line dating is mathemetically based and was created by mathematicians. Maybe you already know this.

    Praying for you. Gail Jothen >

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