Ok guys, I just can’t even right now. Seriously.
Many of you know I haven’t posted on my blog in a long time because I haven’t been dating, and it’s hard to write on a dating blog when you’re not dating. Recently, though, I decided to start casually looking on online dating sites and it all came rushing back. All the ridiculous men, the terrible matches, and the horrible, horribly, awkward, uncomfortable conversations. At first, I was horrified. And then I remembered, hey past Carin, that’s why you started that blog! If you can’t find love, you might as well have a laugh, right? So I’m back for you to all laugh in my misfortune.
I signed back on to OK Cupid tonight and some sort of bat signal must have sent a beacon to men’s OK Cupid apps everywhere, because I was immediately flooded with messages. I thought, this is great! Look at all these eligible bachelors wanting to go out with me!
And then I realized why.
These aren’t the cream of the crop men. These aren’t the men of good moral fiber and intellect. These are the men who have literally combed through every woman on the dating site and have been shooed away and ignored and I am their last ditch effort.It’s like in a zombie movie when everyone KNOWS it’s a zombie movie so they hide or get weapons and prepare to fight, but I just didn’t get the memo so I’m like, hanging out and saying hey to people and just not realizing that they’re the vicious undead come to eat my face off. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch. I don’t watch a lot of zombie movies.
So anyway, after reviewing the messages and their respective profiles, I decided to respond to two of these men.
I only decided to respond to the first (we’ll call Alex) after he sent this message:
Now for those who know me, I do make a LOT of goofy faces. Like, a LOT of goofy faces:
Side note: I think it’s important to note that I don’t actually know the guy in the cow costume. I just really felt like that was a picture I needed to have. I have no regrets.
But none of those pictures are my online dating pictures. These are my online dating pictures:
Admittedly, the picture with the chicken hat is a very goofy picture. It’s completely ridiculous and it’s the picture I use to weed out the weak from the herd (which isn’t actually working that well). But none of my faces are goofy in any of these pictures. As far as I can tell, I am smiling in every single one of these pictures. So maybe my face itself is goofy? I set out to find out…
The guy is NOT backing down! So I probed a little more…
Well, what is it, Alex? Why is my face goofy? What’s wrong with my face, Alex?
I know you’re all holding your breath with anticipation, but sadly this story ends here, folks. Seems like Alex wasn’t prepared to actually let me know which picture he deemed a “goofy face” picture. Apparently that’s just the way my face looks. Maybe it’s all the teeth-showing that scared off ol’ Alex. We’ll never find out.
But fear not! I told you I responded to not one, but two suitors this evening. The second, called Adam, started off well enough. Apparently he decided to do a little shopping after work and asked if I, too, like to shop. So at this point I’m like… what kind of shopping are we talking about here? Like, grocery shopping? Clothing shopping? House shopping? So I ask Adam, what sorts of places do you shop? So here it is, friends:
Now.. for those of you playing at home, one of these should stand out. One of these stores is a store that you should perhaps say… “A single, straight man normally shops there?” For those who maybe need a little extra help, here’s another look:
(although Aerie is also a lingerie store…)
So… that’s weird, right? But you know, I thought maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was picking up some perfume for his best friend’s girlfriend’s birthday because his friend didn’t have time. That would be nice of him. Or maybe some pjs for his sister. Or… some… lotion… for his grandma? I don’t know, let’s just ask…
Sooooooo that happened.
I did tell Adam I don’t hate him, because that’s a silly thing to hate someone for. But also, that’s a hell of a first impression to make, Adam. Is that really the first thing you want a potential girlfriend to know about you? That you wear women’s panties? He did make a remark about how I was “judging him,” and yeah, I totally am. Because that’s not something to bring up in the first two minutes. That’s like a fourth date kind of conversation. Or, you know, wear men’s bikini underwear, because that’s a thing too.
Or maybe, just maybe, wearing panties is Adam’s “chicken hat picture” of his online dating profile, meant to weed out the weak from the herd. If so, bravo, Adam, bravo, because I was not strong enough to stick it out.