Happy Valentine’s Ya Filthy Animal!

Valentine’s Day is often (un)affectionately referred to as “Singles Awareness Day.” As if I wasn’t aware of my singleness the other 364 days of the year.

So this Valentine’s Day I decided to celebrate Mardi Gras. That is, until the sky decided to poop out a bunch of snow that no one expected. So, you know… that happened.

Instead, I’ve decided maybe I should spend more time being aware that I’m single. Maybe actually being single, having my Facebook status say “single,” checking all the boxes on my taxes as “single,” and having a blog about being single just isn’t enough. Maybe I should have spent more time on February 14th really pondering what it means to be single. But since February 14th passed me by, let’s make February 17th the day to reeeallly dig into singleness. Let’s make February 17th “hey, you don’t have a boy/girlfriend!” day. It can be the day when your grandparents call you and ask if you’ve found a boy/girlfriend yet and your parents can ask why you’re still single and maybe its finally time to meet their coworker’s nephew who has that weird way that they slurp when they eat, but it’s really not THAT bad. And then your friends can have double dates with each other and you can stay at home because you don’t have anyone to double date with, so instead you can drink a bottle of cheap wine by yourself and cry into a large Papa Johns pizza while you watch Pretty Woman and think, “how did that skanky prostitute end up with Richard Gere? Maybe if I sang Prince in the bathtub I’d have a boyfriend, too.” Let’s make that a holiday. It seems like it would be less depressing to do that on a “holiday” than just some random Tuesday. And let’s make that holiday start today.

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A light in the storm

Most of the time, life is a complete crapstorm. You’re late for work, your dog ran away, you accidentally spill your coffee all over a stranger, you piss off your friend by telling her that her shoes don’t match her dress.

So I think it’s important to find the hilarity in life. And what is more hilarious than online dating?

I get messages on OK Cupid all the time, which is obviously great fodder when you have an online dating blog. But some messages are indeed better than others. Some messages are confusing or strange. Some messages are too good not to share because of the hilarity that ensues. And some messages are just plain weird. What sort of hilarity?

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Won’t you share my glitter crayons?

Dating is hard.

It’s a constant battle of rejection. You put your heart out there like a kid with a fresh pack of glitter crayons, only to watch that mean little boy snap each one and throw it at your head. And those are no ordinary crayons. They’re glitter crayons. And snapping glitter crayons on purpose should be a crime.

So whenever I get a message from someone on an online dating site, I recognize that this is a person who is going out of his way to write to me, to hand me a glitter crayon. And sometimes, yes, I snap them. Sometimes I just kind of look at the glitter crayon and slowly walk away, hoping they don’t notice that I never actually responded to their offer. But I also try to turn down the glitter crayon with poise and grace. Except that no one has ever described me as poised nor graceful. At least, not anyone who knows me.

But sometimes I get a glitter crayon from someone who so clearly should not be sharing their glitter crayons with me that I wonder, what are you doing? Are you just handing crayons to all the girls in class? Or are you just a terrible judge of character and you’re handing it to girls who you know will not only snap your crayons, but stomp on them and turn them into waxy flakes, rubbing the shimmery paste into the pre-school carpet.

So sometimes I get messages and think, “why me? In what world is this a good match?” And, more shockingly, sometimes OK Cupid is on the same page as the glitter crayon guy. Sometimes OK Cupid is like, “Yeah, you guys would be GREAT together. This is the best match I’ve ever made!” Except it’s not. And if you ever spend two minutes reading through the Questions section, you would know why,

This is a story of just such a guy.

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Oh hey. I didn’t see you there.

I have a love/hate relationship with this blog.

I love to post here and see all of your comments and likes. Conversely, I really have begun to hate the actual online dating part. And that’s the only way I can account for my second hiatus from writing here.

Every now and then, I have these grand ideas of “research” projects I can do on online dating sites. I can respond to creepy people and see what they say, and then blog about it. I can write a message to literally every single person I come across, and then blog about it. The problem lies in the fact that this usually ends up creeping me out immensely. I can hear my mom’s terrifying childhood lesson about stranger danger, and not talking to strangers, and not getting into vans with strangers, and not taking candy from strangers (oh God, what kind of neighborhood did I live in!?).

Enter: Hank. (I don’t actually know his name, but I’m going with Hank)

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So fresh and so clean

Finding a match online with a high compatibility percentage is all about the questions you answer. On OK Cupid, those questions range from super important, to completely asinine. And yet, all of these questions add up to how well matched you are with every man on online dating. You answer the question yourself, and then say which answers would be acceptable for your partner to say. If your partner answers these questions “wrong” (according to you), it brings down your online dating percentage.

When it comes to answering these online dating questions, there is one question that every man I’ve come across has marked my answer as inexcusable, undesirable, and all-around terrible. When I find a man whose match percentage is in the high 90s, I just know the thing holding us back from a perfect 100 is this question, this horrible confession I have uncovered on my online dating profile. The red, blaring letters look back at me from the computer screen, screaming “unacceptable answer!” No man wants a woman who answers this question in this manner. This question with an incredibly high level of importance. So awful is my answer that I have never yet found a man who has viewed my answer as even slightly satisfactory.

Well!? What is it?

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The Way You Look Tonight

Talking about looks is hard. It seems that, when we talk about the way we look, we’re either perceived as fishing for compliments or seen as being vain.  But I want to dive into the subject and hope you can avoid those assumptions, hope we can avoid the stigma associated with talking about looks.

I get messages on online dating sites all the time commenting on the way I look. My pictures are not risque or inappropriate by any stretch of the imagination. I am not in a bikini or even in a low-cut shirt in any of my pictures. But in just one day, I got these treasures:

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They like me! They really like me!

liebster-award

 

Maybe you haven’t heard of the Liebster Award. I know I sure hadn’t. But when Single Guy in NYC nominated my blog for said award, I began to investigate.

It turns out, the award is a sort of “chain mail,” if you will, among bloggers. So I brushed it off. But then I thought, what a thoughtful and wonderful thing to be recognized and nominated, regardless of the prestige of the award. Plus, it’s always nice to be liked, and to connect to some new friends in the blogosphere!

So I’d like to begin by saying thank you to Single Guy in NYC, who is my male counterpart in many ways, and writes a clever and quippy blog about being single in New York. Boy, and I thought I had it rough in Baltimore! Thanks for the nomination, and for your insight into the male  mindset!

Now, it seems after thanking your nominator and linking to their blog, the next step of receiving such an award is to list 11 random things about yourself. So here you go: Continue reading

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The Top 10 OK Cupid Questions

If you’ve never been on OK Cupid, basically, it’s an online dating site that shows you just about everybody who lives within a 5,000 mile radius of where you live.  I mean, I can’t think of a better way to describe it, since I’m actually matched with people from Alaska. True story.

But after they show you every living male in the continental United States, they give you a little percentage next to their username. That percentage is how well matched you are with that person. How well you’d get along. How much you have in common.

So how do they get that percentage? Well, you have to answer questions from a looooong list.  You can skip them if you want. You can answer a few or a lot. The more you answer, the better you can be matched.

But as I’ve been going through these questions, I’ve had the pleasure of coming upon several questions that were so wonderfully awful, hilarious, or stupid, that I would just love to meet the person who comes up with them. So I’ve decided to compile a list of my personal top 10 favorite questions on OK Cupid.

Click Here To See The List!

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Romcom Men & Other Hollywood Lies

In my last post, I talked about Romcom guys — those men who are romantic and emotionally available and will do anything for you… and other totally creepy things. They’re the guys who seem great to start and will say sweet things and you’ll think, ‘he likes me! He really likes me!” until he turns into the male version of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and all of a sudden you’re dealing with this mess: (serious spoiler alert!)

But it’s not only Romcom men who are a misguided byproduct of Hollywood hype. We’re taught to want and to expect very specific things that are both unrealistic and actually unwanted when it comes down to brass tacks. So what exactly are these confusing characters from the silver screen?

Read on!

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Why All Men Should Probably Date Me

If you want to get married, I’m the girl you should probably date.

Just don’t expect me to be your wife.

The conversation came about when I was having dinner with one of my best friends Thursday night. We were talking about some of my most recent ex-boyfriends and what they’re doing now.

Let’s get back to that in a moment.

I’m intrigued…

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